Just a hello to those who may still be keeping an eye out for little ol' me. Hope you are all well and looking forward to a lovely new year. I'd like to share what all has been going on, but I'd say that 2+ years is a bit much for me to relate here and now. I'll see if I can't start from now and check in a little more often from here on out.

Much love,
Dani

Here I am at the pinnacle of my life up to this point. I am the oh-so-proud owner of a home for the first time ever. I have never meditated much before because I was unable to find the peace of mind to do so. However, I now catch myself staring out at my yard from my deck, inhaling the lilacs and pasture smells wafting on the breeze; hearing subconsciously the lowing of the nearby cattle and the raucous calls of the rooster belonging to the neighbor behind me, as well as the padding feet of my own contented animals stalking through their newly found territory. While taking all of this in I am meditating on the space, inside and out, to discover what it is I want to do to make it my own. So far, we have accomplished a number of nice personal touches in the form of painting and removing some unwanted items from the landscape. Now the only thing that stands in our way is money... That is always in short supply when you have first purchased and had to furnish a new home, though. For now, we will enjoy the house and dream of ways to make it our home. We will accomplish these things one by one and it will be so much more rewarding for the journey it takes to get there, just as getting the house was for me...

...And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done.

Mushaboom
--Feist

Sorry for the lack of attentiveness to recent works, journals, etcetera, my friends. I've been meditating on the endless possibilities...

Home. House. Dwelling. Domicile. Abode. Digs. Pad. Crib. A place to hang your hat. Home is where the heart is. Mi casa es su casa.

What I am trying to say if is not already abundantly clear, my dear deviants, is that I am about to embark for the first time on that much sought after adventure known as home ownership. This has been my one BIG dream for the whole of my existence on this earth. That might sound a bit simple to some and a bit materialistic to others, but to me it is the symbol of finally obtaining happiness, comfort, stability, enough success to get me where I am today. I have said before that I am a domestic soul. This means that I take pleasure in the simple things in life like cooking a nice meal to share with friends, puttering about in the garden, sitting on the deck enjoying the air and beauty of the world around you, and even spending half a day or more doing chores around the house. To me, it is the small things in life that matter most and if I can achieve one big thing that encompasses all of those small things, I will indeed be a happy girl. Not to say that I am not happy now. I am. But it is hard living under someone else's roof at 29 years of age, feeling like nothing is really yours and that you are always imposing, and not being able to have a peaceful moment to yourself or private time with your lover without feeling self conscious. In short, it is time I become a grown up. It's funny to me that so many people think that this happens when one becomes 18 years of age. Looking back on what I DIDN'T know and how FAR I was from anything resembling a real life makes me laugh and makes me appreciate every line in my face and silver hair that pops up even more. I earned them, dammit! And I have worked hard, struggled, and earned myself the right to become a home owner. Go me!

My beloved Shane is moving in with me, but I will be the one who owns the house until such time as we may see fit to take things to the next level. I have learned a thing or two from the school of hard knocks and while deep down I feel that he truly is THE one, I am not so impractical is to not give myself an out should things go awry. In the meantime, we are looking forward to inhabiting the same home for the first time and learning and growing from the process. It is all very exciting and I don't know if I can stand it until the end of next month when we close. Like Shane says, however, I have made it 29 years, surely another month won't kill me.

Wish us luck. I shall be driving you all batty with photos of the house, yard, surrounding land, etc. very soon. I am also taking the summer off from school, so I hope to get going on some beautiful Idaho scenery shots while I am out and about learning to fly fish and camping. Hold me to that!



Dani

...Now all those simple things are simply too
Complicated for my life,
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things,
A simple kind of life...

Simple Kind of Life
--No Doubt

You said it, Gwen, baby! If ever there was a song that summed up me in a nutshell, it is this one. As I get closer to 30 I have noticed one unfailing thing in my life. People, especially women my age who are mother's or want to be, are forever hounding me with the "when are you gonna have babies" question. Some of my best friends, God love them, have somehow tagged me as someone who is sure to reproduce and be soccer mom extraordinaire. I cannot for the life of me figure out why. At present, I can think of 3 reasons why bearing offspring might sound "neat" (and I need a hell of a lot more than 3 to ever go there). 1) I am fascinated with names and would enjoy the opportunity to give a person a really unique one. 2) I love my gynecologist (how weird is that??) and am confident that he is great at obstetrics. 3) ...and this is the only sane sounding reason of the bunch. About 13 years ago I had a little girl when I was little more than one myself and gave her up for adoption. To help ease the pain of separation from the child I bore, I promised myself that one day I would have babies when I was fit to be a mother. Therein, folks, lies the problem. Children who do not belong to my friends or immediate relatives freak me out. I always sense that they are looking at me and sizing up my aptitude as a responsible adult - in the child rearing sense, of course. I get flipped out when my animals don't behave right. I cannot imagine maintaining sanity for longer than about 6 months of motherhood. The idea of being responsible for anyone other than me for 18 years is terrifying and I feel resentful of children I don't even have when I think about it. Don't get me wrong, I know plenty of people who are parents who dig it immensely. So I have seen some positive examples of the joy that breeding can bring to some people's lives. But I also know plenty of parents who just seem tired, miserable, and overwhelmed all the time. Those whose children are grown or are close to being grown usually end up heartbroken over some of the bad choices their kids make. Do I really want to make myself this nuts just to be part of some mommy-cult these people keep trying to get me to join?

Now, ironically enough, I am a domestic soul. I have a spirit that needs to wander, sure, but that is just about geography. I am monogamous to the core and find the idea of matrimony just wonderful on so many levels. Even after having been there and been burned. Something about partnership and being so totally connected with someone thrills me deeply. I love the simple pleasures of domesticity like some people love opera or mother nature. It just feels right all the way down in my soul. Guess what, though? The rest of the world seems to be jaded on the idea of marriage, or maybe just mine. Everyone is talking about babies, no one is talking about when I am going to get married. This seems kind of ass-backwards in my opinion. But what do I know? I have no baby with which to glean insider knowledge like these people seem to have.

I have to learn acceptance. That is my goal for this year. I have to remember to accept myself and the fact that I will sometimes have weight fluctuations and acne and bad hair days, but that I am still a lovely person inside and out. I have to learn to accept that the people in my life will occasionally do stupid things, will drive me crazy, will make me wonder sometimes why I put up with them, but that they are just being themselves and that it is not my job to worry myself to death about their actions. I have to accept the fact that some people in my life will become sick and die and that this is part of the natural order of things. I have to accept that no matter where I work, there will always be someone I don't get along with, someone who always seems to be getting away with murder, and something that always seems a little shady and beyond my or anyone else's control. I will have to accept all of these things and learn as best I can not to stress or worry about the small things, only to do what I can, and especially not to worry about things I have absolutely no control over.


God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I CAN

And the WISDOM to know the difference


The "Serenity Prayer" has been my mantra for a long time and breathing has often been a means of stabilizing my mood and helping me to focus on what is important and forget what is not. Lately, I have forgotten to do both. My New Year's resolution is to REMEMBER to do my breathing, say my mantra, ACCEPT and RELAX as much as my busy life will allow for... Wish me luck.


Dani